Yep Yep

I have graduated...sortof. I had the ceremony, but it does not mean anything until they confirm my graduation application went through. *waits impatiently*

List of things to do:

Apply for a passport!
Figure out where on my trip I will be going
Study for my permit test
Clean the house
Fill out exit interview crap
Pay last expenses for college
Get a job
Hang out with friends (which is sometimes a chore)

piece of cake....

bleh.

I'm actually pretty sure that that is not all...but that is all i can remember.

Ill/Sick

I am sick, sick, sick. I have a fever. I'm shivering. I coughed so hard earlier that I threw up. This sucks BALLS! Seriously. I have 17 days left til graduation and I am busy coughing up a lung. Not cool. Tomorrow I will go to the health center. They won't do anything though :( I hope my fever is still around tomorrow so that they can take me more seriously.

Men

Update on relationships:

The boy i like does not have an official girlfriend. Though he may have another girl he is interested in. We hooked up twice. Now he is ignoring me. FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! woo. i just needed to say that...i feel better now. and I technically don't hate you...but I am ridiculously confused by you. Should I say something? Should i stay quiet? I am usually pretty blunt with my feelings and confusion because I don't handle uncertainty well. My friend wants me to stay quiet. But if i stay quiet our friendship might disappear as well as the possibility for more. And even if we are never in a relationship...you kiss freaking amazingly. I miss it already and its only been a bit. fuck. Did our mutual friend (who admitted he likes me) tell you something that made you turn away? did you hook up with someone else and decide I am not good enough? are you a douchebag like I suspect? fuck. i hate this. If you do not contact me or talk to me by Wednesday night...i am going to say something. i can not handle the suspense and the awkwardness.

Poem

This was going to be a song with a chorus, but I like it better as just spoken word.

A Relationship in Parts

Part 1

It’s the deepest part of winter
And it seems a lot like summer when he’s near
Cause he brings coffee in the rain
Feel the beat of the caffeine
Does it leave you breathless?
All alone before the freeze
In tiny little beads of snow
That drift and fill the angels down below.

Part 2

He spreads slick poison out his tongue
It tastes like the first time you had rum
But it’s not your last time
He’ll love you again
In shiny painted keys
Remembering all there was to give
In little notes and happy hopes
He’ll play on your fantasies

Part 3

He slithers in the background
Seeking out things for him alone
And he yells across the room
“We’re never quite alone!”
And that’s the problem you have too
With his tired eyes and looser chords
He’s not playing anything for you anymore.

During College Confusion Part 1

relationships:
I like a boy, but i think he has a girlfriend. He semi-flirts with me, so if he does have a girlfriend I feel bad for her.

health:
I'm randomly really stressed and I'm still sick. Thankfully the sickness is just this obnoxious cough. Other then the cough I feel fully recovered.

future:
I was talking to Angela and she was telling me about Americorps which sounds like an interesting program. I would totally be a part of it, but I would like to get my driver's license first. If they are still accepting applications for stuff after I've gotten my drivers license I will apply.

After College Part 3

Since it is not quite after college yet I think I should do a countdown of sorts until that day does come.

Days until I graduate: 44 days.

Things to finish first:
1 midterm.
1 essay.
1 10 page play.
3 finals.

Shitty Week

This week sucks.

I have been sick and since everyone is worried about the swine flu i have been freaking out. I know I probably don't have the swine flu, but it's hard not to be freaked out about it anyways.

I am also experiencing cramping pains. BOO!

And lastly...I broke up with Kevin. He took it nicely, but was clearly REALLY fucking sad about it. Which makes me REALLLY fucking sad about it. I almost wish he had turned into a douche over it...then I wouldn't feel like such a piece of shit.

F U Blogspot

No seriously blogspot is not my friend today.

But in other news. I am very confused about the state of my relationship. We shall see how it goes.

Also: I am writing an essay today about police reform. its due at 6pm today. I realllly don't want to go to class. Cause I am sick :(

After College Part 2

Whoa dude. I'm seriously on a roll tonight with remembering shit I want to write about.

This blog's topic is travel.

I forgot to mention in the previous 2 blogs that I want to travel after college. With my nonexistent money of course. My plan to fix this is to beg my Uncle Dennis to get me some flights and some spending money. That guy is amazing...he is one of my heroes :)

OK if i for some reason finagle the money here is what I plan to do:

First. Road Trip.

Damon Poon, Angela Dang, and Todd Quigley have been my closest UCSC friends since the beginning of it. Without them I would not have made it through...sooo we plan on having one last hurrah. And since we are all poor we thought a road trip up to Seattle would be the cheapest way to go. We can stop at the drive thru zoo. We can also stop at the zoo that represents my childhood: The North West Trek. http://www.nwtrek.org/ I used to go there every other summer or so with my family when we would drive up to see my family in Washington. Shout out to my favorite town name: Puyallup. That place owns.

Second. Brighton England.

You totally saw that coming. Admit it you did. Katie begs EVERYONE she meets to come visit her in brighton. I think it would be freakin amazing to go. Especially since I have never been out of the country and Katie is freakin amazing. I would stay with her (saving on hotel) and we could go to some festivals. Reading festival anyone? or maybe Glastonbury? Tea in the park? we'll see what time I can get out there...and then I am all over that stuff.

Third. LA and LV.

I want to go to Las vegas with some people. My brother? Chelsea? Merced! And I would love to return to socal. I totally missed hanging out with Nikki. and that saddens me.

Fourth. Australia.

I want to go so bad. I also missed Wendy leaving so I feel like a huge douche. Downside is I have no idea if I would be able to stay with Wendy...and I have no idea what I would do when i get there. But a koala better be involved at one point.

Fifth. Other stuff.

I want to go lots of other places too. Just have not figured out where. I love knowing people in the ILC cause they can house me when I get there and tell me where to go when I get there.

Ok. So that is my traveling wish list for after college. Crap I have a lot to think about. Maybe I can win a contest for most awesome person and be gifted a million bucks?

After College Part 1

Wow. 2 blog posts in one night. You know what that means? PROCRASTINATION!

Yes. This week I have an essay due Monday and 2 midterms (1 on Tuesday, 1 on Thursday). And here I am doing absolutely nothing productive. Getting to the end of my college career has made me really lazy when it comes to class and really not lazy when it comes to social life. I party more now than I have in the entirety of my existence prior. I blame Katie. Her britishness is infecting my brain. She's always saying stuff like, "In England we do mid week drinking. America confuses me!" lol Yeah soooo...I find myself spending most of my Tues/Wed nights at a bar with the international students...or at Damon's place playing Wii. When I graduate all of this will stop. And that saddens me.

On to the real point of this update.

I'm fat. Ok...I'm not really fat. Just pudgier than I normally am. To fix this I plan to beg the crap out of my mom for a membership to club sport. Then I could go to the gym with Merced. And maybe my mom will even jump on board. This is part of my After college plan.

general plan:

1. Drivers license

2. Work out

3. GET A JOB

4. Move the fuck out of my parent's house. I love them, but I can not live with them

After college life in 4 completely ridiculous steps...

PS: Whenever someone asks me to my face what I plan to do after college my response will be: "Well my 5 year plan is to win the lottery. It's a pretty solid simple plan. And what will you be doing while I am enjoying my millions?"

After College Prologue

HOLY SHNAP! College is over in 7 weeks...eeee! Since it's almost over and all anyone seems to be asking me is...what are you going to do after?..I decided to use my blog to track all of my random thought processes on the after undergraduate life I am about to lead.

First off. Grad school?

I would love to go to grad school. but...i am a poor mother fucker and a very confused one. I have no idea what I would want to get a master or PHD in. So as it stands...I am taking a year or 2 off. Possible ideas for masters/phd: Forensic psych, Social Work, something else?

Second. Job?

I NEED ONE! Really badly. Areas I would love to work: non profits, for a psychologist, for an organization that is attacking our shitty government AND absolutely anything possibly involving music or the music industry. I was thinking about moving to SF and practically living at Bottom of the hill and other such places in the hopes that I make the right connection somewhere along the line. Problem with this is I have Fuck all for money, so I won't be able to move to sf until i save up some serious dough.

Third. Place to live?

I will obviously move home for the summer and beyond until I get enough money to move out. If I can swing it I would love to be out of my parents house some time in the year 2010. Which should not be too unreasonable. People I could live with?: Merced, Chelsea (if she comes up to sf), damon? angela? other people? I'll figure that out later.

Fourth. Drivers license?

I know. I'm lame and I still can not drive. This is the first thing I will do when I get home this summer. Perhaps even before job hunting. I have a serious fear that I need to overcome and thinking about getting a job whilst learning to drive will only make me have more panic attacks.

Lastly. Love?

I am still with Kevin. We'll see how this progresses.

Revenge Never Tasted So Sweet

These are some screamo songs I wrote tonight about getting revenge. Revenge on certain people in my life. A guy and a girl in particular. They hurt me at separate times in my life. And sometimes I wish I could hurt them which is the point of the song "yet", but I mostly wish that my success in life is revenge enough which is the point of the song "I shall be well"

Yet

You don’t swallow up the fight

I push you back, you clutch me tight

Pull my hair and scream “Bitch!”

Just one more punch

And you’ll see right

Liars get the shitty end

With nothing to defend

You’ll fear me consequently

But it’s not the real thing yet

You’re just a selfish disgrace

Blood in my eyes, hands in my face

Ripping at your clothes

Tears all over the place

I knock you out of space

Liars get the shitty end

With nothing to defend

You’ll fear me consequently

But it’s not the real thing yet

You’re awake in bed

I stand there watching

Picture me intently watching

It’s not the real thing yet

But it will be “bitch!”

Liars get the shitty end

With nothing to defend

You’ll fear me consequently

But it’s not the real thing yet

yet, Yet, YEt, YET!

It’s not the real thing yet.

I Shall Be Well

Far away from it

Tracing back our roots

When we used to love

When we used to run away

When we used to sing about friendship

Wrap it up in plastic
Call it just another day

Another day without you

Is just what I need

Far away from it

I shall be well

No more counting back tracks

Or laughing in your room

And I shall be well

I shall be better for it

You never listened to the sound

Of continents drowning

You just pointed fingers

At a map and said

I couldn’t do that

I couldn’t be well

And so far away from it

I shall be well

No more counting back tracks

Or laughing in your room

I shall be well

And I shall be better for it

Cause the tracks turn around

And the laughter turns to tears

But I shall be well

And I shall be better for it

At the Beginning of Time...

There was a girl (me) who used to write lame poetry (I still do) and she thought to post it for your consumption but you must be nice and not break her copy right or she'll eat your first born child.

Ok I swear that comment above is just a product of the fact that it is 3am. In all honesty this will be a blog where I will post my poetry and songs. Do not steal them...and please do not insult them. Constructive criticism is ok, but douchebaggery will not be tolerated. I guess I should forge ahead then.

I will also use this blog to rant about my life after college. Discuss.